#10: An Appointment with my Orgasm Donor

I have sat down to write this a few times but haven’t been able to start for some reason. I think it’s because I’m still IN this one. Every other blog post has been after the tryst was over, this one is still very much on-going. I wonder if there is going to be an overall difference in tone. Well, we’ll see. Here we go.

Let’s call him John Boy or JB for short. He is as his profile says he is, a simple man with simple needs. He had some problems with drugs and alcohol in his twenties and went to rehab. I’m not going to lie, that’s a little scary to me, but no relationships for me, remember? So, for now, that’s not really an issue. Also, I got the sense that he wasn’t long-term material very early on in our texts. It must have been his use of the term “fatties” to describe the ineligible bachelorettes in his town. We also established expectations over text, which was so helpful. Neither of us is looking for a relationship, a friends with benefits situation would be ideal. He lives two hours away from me, but will be in my town for 5 months starting in June so here we are, testing the waters…

We texted for three weeks before we met, something I swore I would never do again after Tinder Ken from blog post #1. (Who is back on Tinder again btw. Do guys delete their profiles and rejoin every few months to have a crack at the same women? Is he starting relationships that he thinks are headed somewhere, then they crash and burn and he has to re-enter the Hades that is Tinder? What’s the strategy there? Ok, sorry for the digression.) We planned an athletic date, which made me really nervous. By Midwestern Artist standards, I am EXTREMELY ATHLETIC and ADVENTUROUS. By Mountain standards, I am an uncoordinated nerd. So, hike first and if we get along dinner and if we were into each other we would go to the hot springs, where he would see me in a bikini. Ugh. My worst nightmare. I am confident in my body, but maybe not bikini-on-the-first-date-confident.

We met in the middle, a small town about 45 minutes from me and a little over an hour from him. I couldn’t find him in the parking lot, so I started walking uphill to the trailhead when I heard this faint ‘Hey’. I turned around and there he was. He didn’t look exactly like his pictures, still very cute but much skinnier than I expected. He looked more muscle-y in his pics. But no problem for me, still totally cute.

JB is very different over text than he is in person. I was really surprised by how soft-spoken and mild-mannered he actually is. He is a soothing presence to be around. I was expecting someone louder, boyish, which he is, but in an sweet/innocent/naïve way, not a verbose/cocky way.

We hiked a little, like – a real little – then found a nice view and sat and talked for an hour. We talked about family, moving West, jobs, his troubling past, etc. Then he asked if I wanted to grab dinner. So I knew he liked me and I was enjoying myself, so we picked a place and drove over. We ate, I was starving and ate way too much. After dinner he asked me if I was up for the Hot Springs, I gave him a very reluctant yes. I just pigged out on dinner, WTF DUDE. That was stupid. So we went to the Hot Springs, changed in the locker rooms, he beat me out there, of course. He got to watch me walk outside and take my towel off and get into the tub. I was really self-conscious because I knew he was checking me out, of course he was! I was wearing a jacket for most of our date so he probably had no idea what was happening under there.

Anyway, we stayed in there for almost 2 hours, which is a really long time! I was so dehydrated. We showered (separately of course) and met out front. The sun was down and the parking lot was well lit with huge fluorescent lights, one of which I was parked right underneath. We chatted a little more, and honestly, I have no idea what we talked about. We talked A LOT and none of it was memorable as I write this, but very pleasant at the time. He gave me a hug and I guess I got a little excited and kissed him on the cheek. Then he did the thing I hate the most… He asked if he could kiss me. Just BE A MAN and fucking do it. I mean, I just spent seven hours with you, if I wasn’t into it, I would have peaced-out hours ago!

So I gave him permission, and he kissed me. His beard was wiry and a little uncomfortable but other than that he was a pretty good kisser. And he uses this tongue! FINALLY! A MAN WHO KISSES WITH TONGUE. But ooh, wait a minute, that might be too much tongue. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers. We got a little hot and heavy under the safety lights of the parking lot. He started grabbing my ass, which I love. He commented that I do have a very nice ass indeed, per our original messages on Bumble. I told him it’s a good thing he’s not a boob guy, because I am not gifted in that area whatsoever.

If he carried me to the back of his truck, I totally would have had sex with him. He had me so worked up. I was soaking wet. We made out for probably a half hour. Then we finally parted ways, I got into my car, he walked back to his. BUT WAIT, he started walking back over to mine. What was he doing? I rolled my window down and he said that he just wanted to kiss me a little more before he started driving home. So he stuck his head in my window and kissed me again. Haha. It was ridiculous. Then as he walked away, he said, “Don’t give me those eyes.” And I replied, “What? Those are just my eyes!” and I waived bye to him as I drove away.

On my way home I had to stop at a gas station to get some paper towels because I was so wet it was uncomfortable and I had a decent drive ahead of me. I was really tired when I got home and I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow, but I definitely came thinking about him the next morning. Ok, so good sign, I thought. That day I didn’t hear from him at all, which was rare, but I knew he had to work, so I stayed silent until about 8pm, when he texted me a :). He couldn’t hold out any longer. I think this is the first time I have ever won that game. I am definitely the cat with JB.

He was so complimentary of me when we texted the night after our date. Here’s what these texts looked like:

ME: I just brushed my teeth.

JB: You do have very nice teeth. I meant to compliment you yesterday 🙂

ME: That’s funny, my teeth? Not my smile? Haha

My two front teeth are actually chipped from my accident. It’s all I can see now.

JB: Your teeth compliment your smile, which is quite glorious!

And oddly enough you have a very nice laugh.

I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve said that to somebody.

ME: 🙂 thank you

That’s the first time you’ve complimented someone on their laugh?

JB: Yep, it was like a mix between angels and unicorns singing

Did you notice my chipped tooth?

ME: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

No, I didn’t.

JB: Damn it, I just missed a good laugh!!

ME: You’ve missed quite a few.

JB: It’s ok, there will be plenty more to come.

ME: I don’t doubt that at all.

JB: Hopefully there will be plenty more kissing too.

ME: mmmm yes.

JB: You’re a great kisser, you had me pretty damn horny.

I was kind of hoping you were gonna invite me over.

ME: You got me pretty hot. I was so distracted on my way home I don’t remember pulling up to my place.

Would you have come over if I asked you to?

I was actually happy I had those stupid tires in my car…

JB: I absolutely would have came over. I should have said something last night, but I didn’t for some reason.

ME: I’ve actually never brought a guy back to my place… I’m not sure I would have.

JB: Would have let me come over?

ME: Yeah

Readers, what vibe are you getting from him? I can’t decide.

There is so much more texting. It ended with him asking if he can see me again the following weekend and I said sure. Knowing full well that I was going to fuck his brains out. Logistics were going to be a problem there, but I had a whole week to figure that one out. I am a little worried that he is going to fall in love with me and I am going to break his heart. But there I go again, thinking I am more charming than I actually am, so I am going not to waste my brainpower on a hypothetical.

There is a Part II & III. Duh




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