#1: My first Tinder ever. Let’s call him Ken…

My first blog entry ever on my first Tinder ever. Sweet! Preface: I have been on Tinder since January 2017 and almost 3 months later, I have yet to meet anyone from this app. I had no idea how difficult it was going to be to get laid on Tinder…

I live in a small mountain town, full of ski bums, peter pans and grizzly mountain men, none of whom do I find particularly attractive. I like a well-educated, clean-cut guy who has his shit together, which is apparently a white whale in these parts. When I started Tindering, I had not had sex in 2.5 years and was masturbating 3 to 4 times a week. It was time to meet a real live boy who could make me cum.

I swipe right about 5% of the time, so matches are few and far between for me. The first guy to message me on Tinder was just my type and I was so excited. We had a mutual facebook friend and figured out that we went to the same sleep away camp on the East Coast as kids. It was great banter and textual chemistry from there on out. We texted for three weeks and I loved every second of it. We had so much in common and he was super cute and sexy. Unfortunately, he lived 2 hours away.

I had no internet dating experience, didn’t know the game (which I hate) or the etiquette. So in hind-sight, I might have been a little over-eager to meet him in person, but I wasn’t looking for a virtual boyfriend. He seemed a little squirrely when I mentioned meeting up. Then one magical night, he asked me out and mentioned it approximately 6 times (yes, I counted because I’m a loser). So we made a plan to meet halfway in a town that neither of us knew very well. Of course, we had a mammoth snow storm that day and we had to cancel. That was on a Tuesday. We texted here and there during the week then on Sunday I proposed we reschedule for Monday. Here is how the last of our communication transpired:

Me: Have any plans tomorrow night?

Ken: umm not sure, just trying to make it through today, probably the gym, you?

Me: Make it through today?! Sounds like such a struggle!

Ken: Haha right, tough life I lead

Me: I have to drop some artwork off in (small mountain town halfway to his small mountain town) for an opening on Friday, want to try to meet up again?

Ken: Can I let you know later today? Need to look at my work schedule

Me: of course, no pressure.

But then again, don’t play it too cool, I’m very busy and important 😉

Ken: 🙂

You are?!?

Me: And adored.

Ken: Then what are you doing talking to a degenerate mountain man like me?

Me: Jury is still out on that one…

Ken: Fair enough 🙂

Me: And you seem like the least degenerate of all the other degenerates out there… but we’ll see.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE WEEK LATER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I don’t expect you to respond to this, in fact, I’d prefer it if you didn’t. You disappeared on me, which sucked. You were the first guy I connected with in a very long time and it was nice to be excited about someone again. But, as a happily single female whose self-worth is in no way predicated upon the approval or esteem of a man, I take umbrage with the idea of any guy assuming I would be dejected or hurt by a lack of interest on his end. I’m not what you’re looking for? Great! You’re holding up the line. ‘Man the fuck up’ (your words) and communicate that. Any well-adjusted, mature woman would say thank you for your honesty and good luck.

Over reaction? Didn’t feel like it at the time. Now? Yes, definitely. I did find out through my developing cyber stalking skills that he skied in my town that Saturday and did not reach out. Granted, I was skiing in his town that same Saturday, but that was the nail in the coffin for me.

And, I was hurt…

I thought I knew this guy – I didn’t.

I thought I liked this guy – I didn’t.

I felt seriously rejected by this guy – I wasn’t.

My first internet experience was also my first ghosting experience. Sounds about right… I read through our texts multiple times to find where I went wrong and realized that this had absolutely nothing to do with me. My best guess is that he started dating someone, someone closer, but nowhere near as awesome as me. He popped up on my Tinder feed a couple weeks ago so I guess he deleted his account then resurfaced. I, of course swiped right out of an insatiable curiosity to see if he swiped right on me, he didn’t. Of course I felt like an insane loser all over again. But then that night I went on one of the best dates (more on that later) and forgot all about this d-bag.

Lessons Learned:

  1. Always be talking to multiple people at the same time. I wasted three weeks on this guy.
  2. Endless texting is a red flag.
  3. Guys with professional photos are d-bags.
  4. You have to play the texting game. Wait a couple hours or days before responding. For the record –  I am way too excitable and impulsive to follow this – but I know it’s important.
  5. You can’t like someone whom you’ve never met.
  6. You can’t be rejected by someone who is too chicken shit to meet you.

So that was my first Tinder ever. He broke me in hard and fast. I needed the hard lessons. Do I wish they were accompanied by make outs and heavy petting? Of course I do. But in the end, he did me a favor by only wasting three weeks of my life as opposed to three months.

Dear Ken – thanks for being my guinea pig, I got a lot of mistakes out of the way on you. And truly, good luck out there.

4 Comments

  1. People can ghost out for various reasons, but usually its because they are rebounding and online dating sites and apps are filled with them. Everyones first knee-jerk reaction right after a break-up is to sign up for online dating. They believe they can just slot in a new partner and keep on truckin’ – but they vanish once they realize they need time top heal, or when they go back to their ex. I am your age and have been doing this for 3 years – rebounders are the #1 problem with online dating, so keep an eye out. Clues? Anyone separated, “just out of a relationship and seeing whats out there” or if they bring up their ex in any way, shape or form – RUN. If their last relationship was less than a year ago you are likely on borrowed time.

    Like

  2. Definitely small town issue to not be able to find a guy to fuck easily through tinder. I live in Chicago, if I really needed it, I could get on tinder right now and find a quality dick to fuck…. but also depends on your expectations.

    Liked by 1 person

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